Lisa, You always seem to be there when I need you most! I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to sit with me and going through all these adoptive families.
I love seeing how much they all love each other and the cute things they wrote about each other. That is so sweet to me, because that’s probably a big thing I would imagine, kids going to dysfunctional homes and parents that aren’t in healthy relationship. It affects child, I know, growing up. That was my own story and that is a deal breaker. This is one of my main reasons for choosing adoption.
I made the personal relationship goal for myself that God, my boyfriend and me to get along, but I had wanted to be married and have a solid family unit; both parents all together, happy in a home. The sad part is we didn’t fully plan on this baby, but knew it was bound to happen. As time went on, me and my boyfriend started drifting away from each other. That made me think about my life and starting over as a single mom against all odds. My battle with DCF and wanting to make up loss time with my first little girl. I don’t want nothing to take away from her. I felt that if I had a baby, it would make me feel guilty because I can’t have my first born with me.
You know, having a baby is best thing that has happened to me. I am doing the best I can and knew I could again, but DCF scares me about threatening to shelter my children. Having them take my babies away from me and not knowing where they will go, would be just too much to handle. I need to get back on my feet. I feel so disconnected. I am trying to cope and do my best to not get fully attached. If something was to happen that wouldn’t be what my dream was of having a family and parenting. I don’t have positive support and I haven’t even told my friends. With my first born, they had a baby shower for me. I didn’t want them to plan something and ignore my feelings of adoption. I am also late to care to see a doctor, which made me feel down and embarrassed I didn’t go to a doctor sooner. It was right after meeting with you that first time Lisa, that I knew I was making right choice to choose adoption. It is such an unselfish move to bless family. Prior to learning and seeing how bad people want children and can’t have them was so heartbreaking. My whole mindset and opinions changed on adoption vs abortion.
Somedays are rough being so close to delivering, but I am content to know that this baby is going to be with a great family and have a great childhood. The type of childhood I know I can’t give her. Don’t get me wrong, there are still times I hoped to have the future I imagined. Being 31, I am getting older, but I do sometimes envision having another child, having the family I have dreamed of since having my first baby and being able to tell my other two children the struggles I went through to get to the point of actually raising a child and how all I wanted was the best life for all my children. I will never say never, but then I remember how labor went with my first, so let me get through this delivery before planning another child!
Right now, at this point, I feel good about doing this adoption. I did cry choosing my family. Each family wrote me such nice letters and my heart broke for each family. As lucky as I am to be able to get pregnant, I can’t imagine finally having the life I imagined and then not to be able to have a baby to grow my family with the love of my life; that is just devastating! They are all so in love and feel that adoption is something their family is meant to do in order to grow their family. Through prayer and trusting in God, they know this is the path they are to follow. I do know after I deliver and deal with all the post-partum emotions, I will, for that split second, maybe want to keep her, but I know that I need to do what is best for her and these emotions will subside. It won’t be easy, but I know through counseling and the support of this agency, I will be able to get my life back on track and find my new happiness to become a productive adult, all the time knowing, my baby girl will be in the best place she needs to be….with a family that loves her unconditionally!
Even though she won’t be with my physically, I will still be able to see her grow through pictures and yearly visits. She will know all about me and will know that this family was chosen by her momma and they will be able to give her all that I couldn’t. She will know that I didn’t make me love her any less, it just made me love her more that I never wanted her to be in a position to struggle.
Thank you again Lisa and being there for me when I needed that extra comfort and support. You are the best!