A Birth Mother’s blog (chapter 4)

To refresh your memory, refer back to chapter 1, chapter 2, chapter 3

Chapter 4

11/6/15

My past blogs explained how I came to the decision to make an adoption plan and a few bits and pieces of my journey.  Now find out about the sweet little boy I had on 11/4/15.

OMG…I gave birth to one of the most beautiful little boys on 11/4/15.  He is absolutely perfect.  I wanted to spend as much time with him as I possibly could before I had to come back to here, before I said goodbye for a while, before he went to meet his forever parents.

I was secretly hoping I could stay longer to hold him, kiss him, caress him, care for him, talk and sing to him.  Just thinking about the love we shared in the hospital brings tears to my eyes.  I miss him so much and I almost feel guilty for trying at the last minute to figure out how I could keep him.  But then again, I don’t think I’d be human if those thoughts didn’t pass my mind.  I know I did the right thing and I know my baby mama and baby daddy love him so much.  I know my son is going to have more choices and better experiences than what I’d be able to give him in life.

The only time I get sad is when I think about and if he is wondering where I am or thinking that he is waiting for me to come back.  When he was in my belly, my voice, my heartbeat was all he knew and when he was born, he had heard my voice and he was placed on my chest and was able to hear my heart again.  It was what he knew and made him feel safe and secure in this in this new scary world.

So now I wonder if he is missing that and it makes me sad for him.  I mean it really makes me want to rip my heart out.  I know my baby mama will never be able to replace that, but I hope and pray that she will become that voice he seeks for comfort until I can be there for him again.  I hope and pray he understands and I know if he is anything like me, he would.