As you may remember from my last blog, I became close to another woman who was also pregnant and after speaking with me, she contacted the agency.
My next thought, was wondering how I would know what family to choose when that time came. Well the weeks went by and that time did come. If you didn’t know this already, when picking a family, they give you these books about their life, full of pictures and details about themselves, accomplishments, traditions, beliefs and so on, but before you look at the book, you read an introduction letter. The family I picked out truly had me from hello. The relationship we have is so precious I can’t even describe how much they mean to me and I know they feel the same way.
I started to call them my “baby mama” and “baby daddy”. It is so crazy how much your feelings and emotions change through this process. I didn’t even know how I would pick them. Before, with my other children, I envied, almost despised the foster parents who were doing what I could not. But this was definitely different. I was going to be choosing who took care of my baby, where he/she lived, how much contact I wanted to have. The family and I started writing back and forth and getting to know each other. I truly started to feel so much better and sure of my decision. I felt that they loved me too and it feels now like we are just on big family. I love my baby so much and the decision I have made has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I know it was the right thing to do. So now that is one of my goals when I get out….getting the word out about adoption. Adoption = The Right Choice and the safest.
In one particular letter, actually the letter I received on 10/23/15, my “baby mama” was telling me that she was sorry I was having so much pelvic pain and that if she could take some of the hurt and discomfort from me, she would. At first I thought how sweet and what a nice gesture. Then I thought, “Wow…this woman probably would take on some of this pain for our baby. Here I am complaining about something she will never be able to get but longed for so long. So today, I feel strong and capable.
Then there is the next day. So today I am at visitation and I see a family with whom I used to work for, and when you work in their restaurant, you become like family too.
Here I am in the last weeks of my pregnancy and just now they start asking questions. Well me, not ashamed of my decision anymore and comfortable where I am at right now, I told them of my adoption plan. One of them said “oh, no, don’t do that, I will come get your baby”. My response was letting her know that I have made a decision and I am comfortable with it. She said that I could still change my mind and if I did, she would be there.
I started crying. My fiancé got mad at the family for getting me upset. At first again I thought “what a nice gesture” and to tell you the truth, if the gesture was made before I picked out my baby’s forever family, I would have considered it, but all I could think was how devastated my “baby mama” and “baby daddy” would be. I truly have grown to love them so much. I can’t even explain it. I know the easiest thing would be going and getting the family that offered to take my back from the hospital approved through the jail. This would enable would be able to take my baby home, but I have learned plenty of times that the best things to do are always the hardest.