One birth mother has taken some time to share with us a blog about her adoption experiences. Over the next few days, please read about her situation, finding our agency, choosing her adoptive family, and the comments she dealt with.
Okay, so I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and I have made the decision to go through with an open adoption. For some reason it is easier to write it down than say it out loud or to someone else. That is why I am writing this blog. I want other woman who are going through with the same decision or thinking about it, to know that they are not alone, weak or a failure, which are some of the feelings I felt at the beginning. I also want you all to know that this is probably the realist thing I have ever wrote and my feelings are valid.
I found out that I was pregnant while I was in my county jail, yet “again”. I was sober for 11 months on a month log relapse/binge “again”. Looking back now, I know God had me incarcerated to protect this baby and to save both our lives.
The doctor at the jail told me that I was 6-8 weeks. I was so physically weak and tired from the constant running and chasing of my high, the last thing I wanted to hear is that I was carrying a child “again”. My story may go back and forth a little bit, but I just need you all to understand that the joy I have in my heart now, wouldn’t feel so good if it isn’t wasn’t for the prison that I have already been through, yet “again”.
I have 6 other children with whom I have signed my “parental rights” over, but it is never been by choice. Either I sign my rights over or they were going to be taken by DCF (Department of Children and Families) due to my addiction, domestic violence relationships and other bad choices.
So, my first thought when I found out I was pregnant was “no, not again”. I know I was facing prison time, I know I was going to hurt my fiancé (with whom I cheated on). I knew that I couldn’t and wouldn’t go through the pain, hurt and suffering of having another baby and losing him/her to DCF. I knew I had to do something different. Abortion came to mind. I thought about it. I thought of my baby as a thing, I had to get rid of it, I wouldn’t get attached or gain any feeling for “it”. I battled with myself as I knew I was already in love with him/her. My fiancé agreed to pay for the abortion (as he agrees to everything I say) but he said he wouldn’t have the money for two weeks. (That was the first sign). Two weeks went by and my fiancé called the clinic again to pay the fee. We learned that the clinic was going to be closed for a month due to relocating (second sign).
The doctor at the jail told me to go to a different clinic, so my fiancé paid the fee at this new clinic but, due to the distance of this clinic, the jail would not take me that far for the procedure (third sign).