The Little Girl…by Angela Quick
There are days when the emotional requirements of my job seem overwhelming and today is one of those days. Although I try to maintain a professional distance from the folks I am called to help, the enormity of their collective burden “sneaks in” when I am not looking. After over 25 years of work in this field, certain patterns have emerged. Every woman touches my heart in her own unique way, but there is an all too familiar ring to the story she tells.
“My mother was 13 when she had me; my grandparents pretty much raised me, but I knew I needed to take care of myself from an early age.” “I don’t know my dad; I don’t think my mom knows who he is either.” “My mom has actually told me that she is jealous of me, whenever things start going well in my life it is like she has to screw it up for me so she feels better about herself.” “Both my uncle and cousin sexually abused me when I was young. But, I don’t hold it against my cousin, he was just a kid too.” “My mother use to have me buy drugs for her and when I was 17 we would get high together.” “When I got home from the hospital after I placed my baby for adoption, my mother stole the pain pills the doctor gave me.”
Not all young women who make adoption plans for their children have challenges in their families of origin, but a remarkable number of them do. There is a theory that states that individuals stop maturing emotionally at the point in time in which they experience a trauma. And if they are not given the proper treatment and support, their development will be permanently impacted. I believe that many of the women I serve have been traumatized as children and have, therefore, been prevented from moving through these stages as would an un-impacted individual. It is by successfully passing through these developmental stages that we learn how to manage the multitude of demands that bombard us as adults. As successful adults we learn how to balance the needs of others while taking care of ourselves. We are often times required to “be” a parent, spouse, friend and employee all in the same 24 hour period. At times, even the most “balanced” among us become overwhelmed with these often competing requirements. But, for those individuals who have experienced trauma, multiple simultaneous demands can prove overwhelming. And when there is no healthy family or support system to turn to for help, the outcome can be bleak….a crisis can arise.
It is because of this crisis, or need for an adoption plan, that some of these young women might risk reaching out for help. As many counselors know, it is in times of crisis that individuals are most likely to seek change. There are few things in life more painful than saying good bye to one’s own child. It is my hope that I can provide some bit of comfort and understanding to these brave women who put the needs of their children before their own heart. And it is my prayer that society gains a better understanding of the woman who was once the little girl.